to tell you the truth, I have no idea why I set this blog up.
I know why I named it and I can tell you everything about this person but try as I may I have no idea why I am writing this blog.
Maybe I know nothing now that I have nothing and I have no way out but writing till I manage to extract nothing from where once there was something.
I was an adult once but now I'm back as a teenager with gangly limbs and pimply face and shattered self-esteem, questioning everything I do, and realising from a psychological point of view everytime I question everything I do, it affects all I do and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And consequentially I become a worse person and all my fears about myself can then be validated.
I have learnt that what looks rosy in theory, what you can tell your friends to do, is no longer yours to hold when you are on the verge of losing all you have.
Or at least feeling like you have.
And there's the MINOR detail that, whatever little you gain from this moment of
tabula rasa onwards, everytime it slips away, imperceptibly or not, you feel as if something larger has slipped away. Suddenly, because you've lost something so big, small things are magnified, and every little rebuffal and rejection and cold shoulder, that all used to mean nothing, mean something.
Granted, I know what I'm supposed to do IN THEORY, how I'm supposed to handle my crisis of confidence IN THEORY.
But right now, the pages of the book of life just aren't turning very well, aren't they? and I need a few firm hands to steady this ship.
thanks, you wonderful person out there, who read this post and felt better today because you are a more intact soul than i am.
